I’ve tried to process exactly what I was going to say and how to say it, but the backspace button seems to a frequent flyer when writing this. Being still fairly new to the divorced world and having to share custody of the most precious piece of my world has weighed heavy this past year. I think it’s safe to say we’ve finally made it through the toughest part of the year- those back-to-back holidays.
The first almost the first two years of separation and divorce I had to push through (push through meaning: crying in bed numerous times a day, shoving ice cream and pizza in my face, wondering how my life ended up like this waiting and counting down the endless minutes until my baby returned home) Every other weekend I felt like crawling into a hole and never returning. Even nights he was gone for less than 24 hours I still cried. Someone else was getting those hugs, someone else was singing “You are sunshine” and to me, I was slowly being replaced. As time went one, I’ve slowly processed how silly this was. He has a mom and he has a dad that he loves equally. We each have different qualities (mine of course are better 😉) but our son deserves both present parents. It was me that needed to learn to deal with our new norm. Sure, sometimes even now, it takes the extra glass of wine that I shouldn’t be pouring or a good night cry but as a divorced parent sometimes you have to cope in whatever way helps.
This past year with the holidays was a doosey. In the last eight months, all good co-parenting has flown out the window. We are strictly court ordered, to the books. For me, that meant it was my year to miss Thanksgiving and my year to miss out on Christmas morning. Oh, my heart strings. For the last six years of this tiny person’s life, I created the magic and I found a love for the holidays I had never had before. I found myself this past Christmas trying my hardest to buy all the gifts he’s ever wrote on a list or seen on YouTube, do all the fun things and just plain go over board with life. But it hurt and it still stings that I miss out on these things as his parent. I hate splitting the holidays. It makes me feel like a failed mom. I’ve been told it takes time before this feeling goes away, HELLLO MOM GUILT. Fear in divorce is real. It tells you many things, you’re a bad mom, your family is broken and you’ll never be happy again. (These things are by far NOT true!) We are slowly finding a way to create magic in a way that fits our life. I find myself looking years ahead to see if I have him on the day of his birthday, even if it’s his 17th birthday and he’d rather be with his friends. But it’s important to me. Important to me to let him know and have him see, that mom will always be there.
Cheers to all those separated families, to the parents that share time and holidays, we made it through the 2020 holiday season. Sending love to your hearts. Just remind yourself, you’re doing the best you can and your children will love you no matter what!
-Alicia Black, Assistant Director, The Learning Experience Independence
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