I first became a mom a little over seven years ago. It was honestly the best feeling in the world loving a tiny human and being able to teach them about the world. I’ve always known deep in my heart I wanted to be a mom of two. There was so much excitement that came with having your own little tribe.
Just recently I gave birth to my newest little tribe member, a baby girl. Other than a few scares in the first trimester and some wicked heartburn I had a pretty great pregnancy this time around. I was excited to become a mom again and this time to a precious girl. My clan was complete. I was excited to see my biggest become a big brother and to create a family dynamic that I have longed for.
I’m typically a pretty happy person, I love life and don’t have many complaints besides the regular life bullshit. I laugh A LOT. Smile A LOT and just enjoy living life. My first week of being a new mom was trying, as to be expected. Getting into a routine, breastfeeding, not sleeping, trying to spend time with my oldest, but I was still happy and loving life.
When OJ turned 2 weeks it hit, like a ton of bricks. The tears flowed heavier than the Niagara Falls. Nothing was the same and I had no idea what was happening. I googled my symptoms and there it was in bold writing, POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. Not me. Absolutely not. As the days passed and the emotions got worse, I came up with every other reason why I was falling apart. I really enjoyed my job and had fear of missing out in that aspect, the stress of trying to still be a good mom to my oldest, I couldn’t keep up with the laundry or dishes due to healing from a c-section, I was pushing myself to be the world’s best milk maker, the list goes on and on.
As one of my post check-ups approached, I was near drowning in emotions. Maybe google was right after all. Maybe something really is wrong. As my doctor walked in, I started shaking, my doctor knew me as a very energetic person (I refused to go on bed rest in my first and third trimester because I knew it would make me go crazy.) I was always laughing and telling jokes when I went in for appointments and we just chatted and caught up on life. That day was different- he walked in, sat down and asked me what was going on, he could see it on my face. Instantly I started crying, he held my hand and we talked about changes in life, hormone balances and did the PPD screening. Sure enough, I checked every box. There it was, doctor confirmed, medication prescribed.
A week later, I started feeling more of myself. I escaped the horrific anxiety ridden feelings, the sadness and drowning feeling. The sunshine started coming back, I could get out of bed, looked forward to the next day again and started enjoying life as I did before- I even got my funny back.
I’ve always heard of Post-Partum Depression from afar, no one ever talked about it up front. No one ever warned me of it and I definitely never thought it would happen to me. When we talked about starting a blog, I vowed to myself that I would talk the good hard truth. Let’s face it, life isn’t always rainbows and french fries. It’s hard, full of emotions and some things are hard to talk about.
I’m here to tell you, never be ashamed of your feelings or emotions. While there are mom’s that judge you for the smallest things, there are even more moms that have been through it and back and are here to listen to your story.
For those struggling with PPD, or any mental illness. Lean on those you need, let them be there. No one cares if your house is a mess and you haven’t washed your hair in four days. They care that you are alive and breathing. Your mental state is nothing to be ashamed of and help is there.
Be well and remember to breathe-
X0- Alicia, Assistant Director of The Learning Experience Independence
Comments