Okay… let’s talk about it…. Infertility: Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year. Personally, my husband and I have been trying since April 2019.
Even just the word feels so harsh: infertility. It’s hard to say out loud because saying it out loud makes it seem like there’s something wrong with you. Something about your body isn’t doing what it’s designed to do. And it’s hard to deal with. Especially if you’re a perfectionist like me.
Every time I go to a family member’s house, I hold my breath. It’s at the point where I can feel the conversation start heading in that direction and I desperately try to change it. But inevitably, it comes up: “When are you going to have kids?” Sometimes it comes as a joke but sometimes it comes as a very pointed question demanding an answer. But what do you even say when you’re holding back tears but you don’t want to spill your guts in front of everyone?
My story starts well before April 2019. My husband and I were married in September 2015. The man is my absolute best friend and sometimes I’m in awe of how much you can love a person. However, no marriage is perfect. Our sticking point has always been the “kids thing”. I wanted kids immediately. I’ve always wanted a lot of kids. When I was little, I wanted 18 kids! I’m not sure why I came to that conclusion (I know it involved having sets of multiples) but I remember that number specifically. LUCKILY, I’ve come to my senses a bit and have decided around 4 kiddos is a much more reasonable number. When my husband and I started dating, he only ever wanted to have one little one. As we talked more about it, he came around and wanted more kids (but I’m not sure I have him fully convinced on the 4-thing yet! LOL). Then we got married and we had agreed to spend two years together before trying. Whelp, 2017 came and went. It became a bit of an ongoing argument. He wanted to wait until we were more financially set. I didn’t want to wait anymore because I had already waited two years. At this point, the family would ask about having kids and it would be a tender spot because it was such a battle in our little household. I would always deflect the question by saying, “talk to him”. Finally, in April 2019, the argument came to a close and I stopped taking my birth control. I was so nervous but excited to get the process finally going. If only I knew, it was going to be a process…
The first heartbreak was in July. My period was a few days late. I took a test that night and I'm not sure if the test was faulty or if my brain was trying to will it into existence, but I saw the faintest plus sign. I yelled for my husband and he saw it too. It was so faint so I thought maybe it was just too early for it to really detect but I went to bed thinking I was pregnant. The next day we had a wedding to attend. I drank kiddie cocktails the whole night and once again went to bed thinking I was pregnant. My plan was to take another test the next morning, however, I wouldn’t need to. I woke up with my period. Needless to say, I was devastated.
The next heartbreak was that thanksgiving. My period was a whole week late. I had taken a few tests but they came back negative. That didn’t stop my hoping though. I really had myself convinced this time. You can get false negatives, right? I woke up on Thanksgiving morning with my period. I was absolutely crushed. I cried all morning while I got ready but then pulled it together to go to my grandma’s house. I walked into the house and saw one of my cousins (the one that just got married in July) wearing a maternity shirt that said “mommy’s little peanut”. I literally could not control the tears. I immediately got back in the car and drove around the corner, parked, and just wept.
Of course I felt ridiculous because it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them. The timing was just awful for me. I had just had all of that hope crushed that morning. I think that was the turning point. Trying to get pregnant stopped being fun and exciting and became this stressful endeavor. I know what you’re thinking. It hadn’t even been that long at this point: trying for 7 months. Except that it had. This had been a battle for me since 2015 when I wanted to start trying. I had fallen into a pre-conception depression (yeah...I just made that up). I started questioning if I even wanted kids but then I would just go to bed crying because I wanted a baby so bad. I couldn’t bring myself to make the call to my doctor though. I was too deep in that pre-conception depression that I really just tried to not think about it as much as possible. It is actually COVID that pushed me to make the call. We have so many families at our center right now who are pregnant with another little one thanks to COVID keeping us all in our homes a bit more right now. One day, after hearing that yet another family was expecting, I snapped out of my rut. I called my gyno the next day to set up an appointment to figure out what’s taking so long for me to get pregnant.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom. Luckily, thanks to my job, I get to be a mother figure to over a hundred kiddos at a time! And I love that. But we all know it’s not quite the same. To watch those moments when all a child wants is a hug from their mom or when they are so thrilled to see their dad at the end of a long day. I want that for my husband and I. So badly. And in some way, shape, or form, I’ll get that but it’s hard not knowing what that looks like for us.
Of course there's a silver lining. There are so many different methods today that can be used to help infertility: fertility medications, artificial insemination, IVF, etc. And I’m happy to say that I’ve started the process to try and get some answers. It wasn’t easy but I finally made that call to my doctor and I’m starting to feel hopeful again. But it’s hard to shake those thoughts in your head especially when the fam asks constantly. So just know that you’re not alone out there if you’re struggling. I see you. I see you when you get that invitation to that baby shower and you have to push aside the ping of sadness (and then selfishness) you feel because you really truly are so happy for them. I see you when your family asks when they will be getting grandbabies and you awkwardly change the topic. I see you when you’re a few days late on your period and start to let yourself hope. I see you. You’re not alone. Everyone’s story is different and someday you’ll be an inspiration to someone else who is struggling but you’ve got to push through the hard part now.
Till next time I’ll be rooting for you,
- Kristin Gillespie, Assistant Director at The Learning Experience Gurnee
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