I said it and now I am ducking for cover.
Here is the deal. It is true. I don't enjoy it at all. Why does that make me feel guilty? Like straight #MomGuilt, #FriendGuilt, #HumanGuilt, all of the guilt. Add this guilt on top of the guilt I am already having for not eating the best everyday, not remember my prenatal every single day, having a short fuse, dropping the ball at work and at home and being a straight bitch to my poor husband (I don't admit this often, he's kind of a saint, just don't tell him that...)
Why do we not let ourselves just be ok in what we are feeling about? Is it a lack of confidence? Is it the hype around being pregnant? An act of compassion knowing there are women that struggle with #infertility everyday? Why am I not allowed to have negative thoughts surrounding my pregnancy? Magical, exciting, glowing, fortunate, these words don't describe pregnancy for me. It feels yucky, I am bloated, uncomfortable, tired, not nice, impatient with others and myself, moody, uncertain, stressed and so much more.
I started noticing pretty early on in my pregnancy that I just wasn't feeling it. I do believe that being my second pregnancy, the negative feelings were just 'worse' then with my first. I have a close friend that is pregnant due just three days before me (her second also) and I have a close friend (who I work with everyday) that really started diving into her #infertility journey right at the same time I found out I was pregnant. I felt like a terrible human for feeling so terrible as my first trimester was really NOT fun. I would vent to my friend that is also expecting (who lives down south like 10 hours away), yet found myself feeling like I had to hold back when around those that I am closest with on the daily. It was really hard. Honestly, even just typing that sentence makes me cringe and feel like such a bad human. At the end of the day the pretending and holding back was making it worse. I just wanted to not have to pretend to be fine. I finally one day just snapped (on myself that is).
I decided I was allowed to feel the way I wanted to feel and I could still very much support my friend that was struggling and she could very much still support me. Even if we were on legitimate opposite ends of experiences. It was ok. I had to stop getting in my own way. Just because I truly dislike being pregnant, doesn't mean I am not thankful or excited to have a baby. Pregnancy and having a child while obviously incredibly related are also two VERY different things. The sooner I realized this the better. My disdain for pregnancy doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad friend. It makes me human.
My journey of figuring this out really got me thinking, how can we better support each other as #moms, #humans, #women, etc. I don't have the answers, by any means but these are definitely part of my 2021 mantra; to live (and lead) with growth, support and ally-ship (pretty sure I made that last word up).
How do I (we) do this? Well I think the most important thing is to realize what you really need. Sure I can complain all day long about why my pregnancy is so miserable but I do recall posting a blog at the tail end of last year, #Happiness, where I challenged not only myself but also all of you to lead with positive energy this year (here I am titling another post using the word hate, yup, I am human and far from perfect...).
While I may have allowed myself to get a bit deterred from that positive energy, what is most important is I also picked myself up out of it. I really thought about what I needed to make it through this pregnancy without being so negative. The answer? Manifest positivity. I can't take away the fact that I am gaining weight, can't sleep, am short with my fam, forgetting things at work, etc. What I can do is just straight own it, laugh at myself, try again the next day, call myself out and figure out how to help the next momma that may have a similar struggle, or a different one. I call these #BeAGoodHuman moments. Figuring out ways to help others also help others. Ways that don't add to our plates as moms and women, but ways to make a smidge change in our daily to help someone else.
Case and point- Breast Pumps. Some ladies just know they are not going to breastfeed. It just isn't an option for them for whatever the reason may be (no judgment here ladies, have you seen my #FedIsBest post???) or maybe they don't know but it just never works out or they decide after baby is here. Whatever the case may be, I think that all insurance companies provide one free breast pump. If so order it! Then #BeAGoodHuman and donate it to any women’s shelter that may take it! (mind you some won't take them if the seal is broken, some may not take them at all but I guarantee there is a momma out there that is in need!) Breast feeding is STUPID expensive. Which I know sounds INSANE as the stigma is usually how it saves so much money in comparison to formula, (which isn't necessarily true or false!) but really it is. All the ‘equipment’ and things to make not only pumping but cleaning all the parts and the storage etc. really adds up! Keeping this idea in the back of your head makes for a really easy way to help out other mommas without adding to our already excessively full plates as #WorkinLivinMommin ladies.
My pregnant mommas out there (and anyone struggling with negativity!), how can you manifest #happiness and #BeAGoodHuman today? What does that look like in your world???
To wrap it up, one of my most favorite parts of my posts the Wine and Cheese!
My w(h)ine for today, why are we still criticizing others for how they are handling the pandemic? I saw a post in a mom group on Facebook the other day from a mom who was asking other mothers opinions regarding two indoor water park hotels that are both fairly close to us. She didn't mention when she may be looking to book, she didn't mention if she were going to be taking a 'staycation' type trip, just sincerely asked peoples opinions regarding these two hotels. Another mom chimes in with a snarly 'Aren't we still in the middle of a pandemic?'. It has me feeling a certain type of way. Honestly, why do we respond with such judgmental answers? The original poster didn't say she was planning a vacation, didn't say why she was interested in knowing the difference, but even if she had openly said she was planning a staycation type trip for TOMORROW, why does it matter to anyone but her?! Aren't we all destined to make our own decision? You don't have to agree with ever decision that another person makes, but it also isn't necessary to question other people and judge them. Especially on Facebook. Some may argue this lady opened herself to the opinion by posting on facebook in the first place. I respect that side too, however the point is to eliminate the negativity, manifest positivity, right?!
Moving on...
My cheese of the day the post, I already kind of mentioned it. This one is like a baby swiss, got some holes in it and we are just focusing on that good clump we found with none of the holes. My hubby... I really am proud of him, he has been having a rough year at work, which to him is the end of the world. Rather then letting it totally affect his entire existence he really has been making efforts to be present with our family, understanding of my moody, negative pregnancy vibe and overall just manifesting happiness. This is really hard for him! He is absolutely one of those people that can get lost in the negative. He is to hard on himself in regards to a lot of things and bogs down on those items. So cheese to my hubs. I love you! Also, he 'taught' my daughter how to give a foot rub and practiced on me because he knew my feet hurt! These pregnant tootsies are forever grateful!
Our little nugget, a little Cobra Kai daddy-daughter action and the biggest smile that he always puts on her face!
Until Next Time!
-Sierra Zaban, Center Director of The Learning Experience Gurnee
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