Every month we try and every month we fail. It is heartbreaking and frustrating. I used to talk about it with my family, friends, and co-workers, but now I just keep it to myself. People used to ask us all the time, but eventually they have stopped, and it has become my own private struggle. We are unable to have a baby.
I work with children and babies and it helps. I love playing with the littles and being around them. I love hearing when my friends and family members get pregnant. It does not stop me from celebrating everyone else’s happiness.
My husband and I have a backup plan. We will retire early and travel the world. I always thought that I would be a mom one day. Now I am mentally working on being thankful for what I do have. I have a wonderful and loving husband, a happy and energetic pup, two beautiful nephews, my family and friends, my health and daily improvement of my mental health!
When I started this blog, I was anxious. I asked myself, what can I share? I am part of a mom blog, and I am not a mom. What value do I bring to this team of bloggers without a ‘motherhood’ journey? I felt a little lost. After speaking with one of my fellow bloggers, she pointed out that I do have a motherhood journey. It may not be ideal, it may not look like everyone else’s but at the end of the day, it is mine.
Infertility, pregnancy loss and everything in between is tough shit. It isn’t an easy topic for anyone to discuss let alone someone that is going through it, someone like me. However, I realized I wanted to share, I wanted to get some feelings out. I wanted other people that struggle with anything to do with pregnancy struggles, loss and infertility to not feel alone, to know that they are heard and seen, because they are seen; they aren’t alone.
Here are the parts of my story I am ready to share today. Maybe I will be ready to share more later, maybe not. Either way, this is enough. Whatever you want to share about any kind of struggle you have in life is enough-
We realized a few years ago when we stopped using protection and nothing was happening. I had ultrasounds, dye shot up my fallopian tube, 87 vials of blood tested and my husband was also tested. We are both good and healthy. Not sure why we can’t conceive. IVF is very expensive and the odds were not good. I have taken multiple rounds of fertility drugs with no luck. Hopefully a few more if my doctor allows it. Our families know. They don’t talk about it anymore. I do live a very happy and fulfilled life and I am not depressed or anything like that. I’m just missing one thing. I’m happy on weekends when I can sleep as long as I want to, I don’t have to find a babysitter and can do whatever I want on a daily basis. Sometimes I get frustrated and cry. My husband doesn’t like when I cry, I think he feels like he’s done something wrong. But at the end of the day, I’m happy and grateful for all the wonderful things I do have in my life.
10% of women suffer from infertility. I am that 10%. I know I am not the only one, but how is it possible to feel so alone when 10% of women struggle with this? I feel honored to start this discussion regarding infertility and pregnancy loss. After sharing my story with my fellow bloggers, we have decided that we want to encourage other powerful, strong, resilient women to share their stories regarding infertility and pregnancy loss. This is a conversation that can help bring a voice to the 10% that feels so alone in a world that is so big. If you are interested in sharing your story please feel free to reach out to us at momminlivinworkin@gmail.com or by DM-ing us on Instagram or Facebook @momminlivinworkin.
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey if it includes infertility, I hope you see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to not feel alone, to know there is joy in life, to know that your motherhood journey, although it may look different, is still a motherhood journey. Your voice, experiences and opinions are valuable.
Until next time-
-Jen, Assistant Director of The Learning Experience South Lyon
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