Alright, I am going to say it. Breastfeeding isn’t the only answer. Breastfeeding is a fantastic option. Fed is best. If you strongly believe in breastfeeding, please stick with me. If you are unable, don’t want to, or for whatever reason are not breastfeeding, please stick with me.
Here is the deal. For YEARS women have been ‘fighting’ to normalize breastfeeding. So much that we forgot to support other women who are NOT breastfeeding. Let me start by saying, to breastfeed or not to breastfeed is an incredible personal and individual decision. It doesn’t matter what your family, neighbor, the mom groups on Facebook, the breastfeeding and formula shamers alike think. To breastfeed or not is NO body’s business but your own.
Of course, there are many, many, many benefits to breastfeeding (I am not sure that anyone has argued there aren’t benefits even if they chose not to breastfeed). There also can be some hardships and drawbacks for some. Let’s work together to normalize the idea that ‘Fed is Best’.
Side Note: This is the tweet that sparked this post... While I respect what Chrissy Teigen has to say, I think that the most important thing is to make it inclusive to all mothers feeding their babies, which led me to #FedIsBest. (Those of you that don't follow Chrissy and are looking for some real content from the life of the rich and famous, check it out. She's hilarious and it won't disappoint. Not to mention she's one badass momma.
Here is a little bit about my breastfeeding journey- throughout my first pregnancy, I always said that I wanted my daughter to get the benefits of breastmilk but I wasn’t super in to breastfeeding. I decided I was going to exclusively pump. This way, my daughter got the benefits yet I was still respecting my own ‘wants’. I think that I was just so nervous about breastfeeding. There are so many pieces to it, it is such an emotional thing, of course I want to do what is best for my baby, but also, I felt overwhelmed. My brain just kept going in circles and as an expectant first-time mother, it was easier for me to just put it away and not feel committed one way or the other. I wasn’t attached to nursing; I wasn’t attached to pumping and I wasn’t attached to only formula feeding.
Flash forward to my little one being here; in the hospital the nurses very respectfully asked if I wanted to nurse or if I would be bottle feeding. I explained my wants and then said I am willing to try nursing. I did it and they said she was doing great and had a great latch and everything seemed to be going well. I felt at ease with the entire thing, I felt comfortable and like I would be able to breastfeed successfully. (Let’s just blame it on the cloud 9 after baby is born! Ha!)
Q was a champ at nursing in the hospital, I had no qualms about nursing once I got home. Flash forward again to our first night home, it was AWFUL! She refused to nurse at all. I tried everything and she was juts so sad and mad. I felt sad, frazzled, incompetent and like I was failing as a mother already. It was awful. I never stopped trying, however I did eventually give her a formula bottle. I felt like she was at the point where anytime I put her to my breast, she would get frustrated, like ‘Mom for crying out loud, this didn’t work ten minutes ago it isn’t working now and I am starving!!!!!!’. So, I did it. I gave her a bottle. I just wanted her to be able to eat. I did what any crazy first-time mom would do and called my pediatrician the next morning, they brought us in and Q had lost 12 ounces (mind you I know this is normal, however she was only 6lbs13oz at birth so she had dropped to 16lbs1oz. Again, I am well aware that there are babies born much smaller than even that, but I was terrified). My pediatrician recommended me to schedule an appointment with a lactation consultant as soon as possible and schedule a follow up appointment with them to do a weigh in the next day. I learned SO much at my first lactation consultant appointment. First, I was terrified! Then I just told myself to breathe and that I was giving it my all and if formula was going to be the way to go that was ok. At the end of the appointment I felt quite a bit of relief and decided I would keep giving it a shot.
We went home, I used the techniques recommended, reflected on all the information that was given to me and just hoped for the best. The next day we went for our weight check and she had only gained 1 ounce. The doctor was not impressed, we scheduled another weight check for the following week. At that point she had only gained another 1.5 ounces. Our pediatrician was concerned, so we continued to go in for weekly weight checks for another month and a half. Then we started going every other week. She was gaining, but not very quickly. At about 4/5 months, my pediatrician said that she was on the verge of being considered failure to thrive. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*** does that even mean?! That was my first thought. My heart sank, I felt numb. I tried to listen to what the doctor was saying to me and just panicked. He said our next step was to offer her formula immediately after her nursing. As much as she wanted, no limits.
I went home, balled my eyes out and talked to my husband. He ever so gently reminded me that it was ok, that we had talked about this and that I hadn’t even wanted to nurse for this EXACT reason. He talked me straight off a ledge. Then I started thinking, if I was SO ok with nursing, formula, exclusively pumping, etc. why did I let myself get into such a frenzy. I took a step back, I looked at the people that I was looking to for reassurance, I thought about the things the lactation consultant had said to me and one thing rang true. They all consistently ‘encouraged’ me to continue my breastfeeding journey. Not one time did they say to me formula is ok. I felt helpless, this journey wasn’t going well, I felt pressured and like I didn’t have much of another option. Even though I had told myself before the entire journey started that it would be ok, I lost that mindset. I lost that feeling.
That is when I decided and truly felt, fed is best. I don’t know why we as mothers impose our thoughts on other mothers in their most vulnerable moments. Why do we not just say it will be ok, do what you need to do to help your child thrive, you aren’t a failure, you aren’t useless. That is what I needed. I needed that comradery from my fellow mothers that it wasn’t my fault, that feeding my baby was what was best, that my mental health and my relationship with my child was more important then where her nutrients came from.
Being a brand-new mom already comes with its worries, guilts and emotional battles, we shouldn’t add to it by allowing ourselves to be pressured by the outside world. It wasn’t as though the other moms that were part of the mom groups, I was looking to were shaming me intentionally (most of them at least, some of them were just down right mean. It was awful), that isn’t necessarily the point. The point is there wasn’t a ton of reassurance in the sense that regardless of what happened my baby would be fine. It was the push to breastfeed no matter what. Again, why do we do that?! Why do we push our beliefs onto other parents with complete disregard for their feelings or what they may be going for?
This taboo way we go about ‘encouraging’ breastfeeding can be so damaging to the psyche of a new mother, who, by the way, is already feeling guilty enough (yup, I let myself get to a point of guilt because of all this). It isn’t just how we go about breastfeeding; it is how we share our opinions about several things’ ‘mom’ related.
How can we start being allies for one another? How do we share our opinions yet remain objective? I think it starts with our words. Responding with ‘Oh mama, I hear you, I see you, It will get better. Here is my story…’ versus ‘Just keep trying, it will get better eventually’. We can remind each other that truly the most important thing is to maintain our relationship with our new baby and keep our sanity. Those post-partum hormones are already working against us. Some struggle from post-partum depression, some struggle from post-partum anxiety. Pushing those of us that have these struggles (and those that don’t) can really make things worse in the long run.
I respect the normalize breastfeeding movement. I strongly believe that IF a mother decides to breastfeed their baby, they have the right to do so how they please, that there shouldn’t be ‘restrictions’ on how they do so. However, I also believe that parents that decide to formula feed (for WHATVER reason they have) don’t need to explain themselves, they deserve the same respect as those that are able and do breastfeed.
As I sit here writing this, almost 21 weeks pregnant, I still don’t know if I will breastfeed LJ. I haven’t thought about it really, maybe it will be a spur of the moment decision. I’ll tell ya what I do know! I will buy the #Costco brand of baby formula because those name brands will make me go broke!
Anybody else struggle with nursing and the mom guilt and out side shaming that it comes with? What is your story???
#FedIsBest #NormalizeHealthyMotherRelationships #RespectOtherMothersDecisions #NormalizeFormula #NormalizeBreastfeeding
Till Next Time-
Sierra Zaban
-Center Director of The Learning Experience Gurnee
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