My pediatrician once told me that babies cry because they don’t feel safe. As soon as he said it, I immediately was like ‘what do you mean my baby doesn’t feel safe, I am her mother of course she is safe’, let’s just blame those raging hormones for not really taking a step back to decipher what this meant.
A little background about my pediatrician. I adore him. He is blunt, authoritative, honest, experienced and knowledgeable. As a first-time mom, I lucked out. For one, my baby was pretty easy, for two, this was my jam. I have been caring for kids since I was 13 (hello baby sister who rocked my world a month after I became a teenager…)! I had experience, I definitely didn’t know it all, but I had talked first-time moms through all of the panics as an infant teacher, a preschool teacher and as a director. My pediatrician isn’t your typical pediatrician, he isn’t necessarily soft in his delivery or thoughts on what you should be doing when with your little one. Definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. However, he is honest, he has conversations, he has your and your baby’s best interest at heart, he just doesn’t have time for the sensitive ‘coddling’ a lot of first-time moms need (hence my immediate defensive thoughts when he said babies cry because they don’t feel safe).
After calming down and really thinking about what it meant to create safety for my child. I understood. They come from this bubble where they really don’t have to worry about anything into this bright, cold, loud world. They have never experienced anything like it before. Of course, they feel unsafe! Don’t you feel unsafe trying things for the first time? You better believe rappelling off a mountain made me feel like I was going against EVERYTHING I had ever learned in life. Hello Gravity?!
I guess the big question is, how do you create safety in a world that is going through some major crises, say for example an international pandemic, the height of social injustice for our generation or a heated election that took over everything?? If there is one thing we can agree on this year has been hard, scary, overwhelming and so much more. That is how we as adults feel, imagine the uncertainty and disfunction a child feels hearing election commercials, seeing car lots with burned down cars, their favorite buildings boarded up (I am from the Kenosha area of Wisconsin so we saw lots of destruction just driving to our favorite ice cream shop!), not being able to see their most favorite people, seeing their grandparents through a glass window, or not being able to read peoples faces because they are covered in masks. There are so many things that have happened this year that children pick up on and have no idea the message or meaning behind these things. On top of that, they have no way to process it because we as adults barely understand it ourselves, at least enough to explain it to our children in a way they will understand.
It is our job as their parents to help them make sense of the world around them, to create the safety they desire. How do we do that? We talk to our kids. We talk to them about the things they see, the why behind it in a direct and truthful way, all while remaining developmentally appropriate.
Side Note: Developmentally appropriate is just a fancy way of saying in a way they are capable of understanding; we have to meet them at their age and at their individual needs. For example, discussing social injustices as an African American family is going to be very different then other families, or discussing the pandemic in a community that was struck particularly hard by COVID will be very different then discussing it with a child from a very rural area that hasn’t necessarily seen as much of the pandemic. (Back to your regularly scheduled program)
The first step to having constructive conversations with children about big world events is to ensure you are aware of any fears or pre-prejudices you may have. As parents we want to allow our children to feel safe if their views differ from ours, it should be a conversation, not a persuasion. The more comfortable they are in discussing their views and thoughts the more teachable moments you may have to help them understand their own identities, diversity, fairness and what they want to stand up for. While it isn’t easy for all of us to understand their different views, we want them to feel safe enough to have them. Afterall, how many times did you as a child disagree with your parents and wish they would have just respected your opinion a little bit more (even if your view would change later, wouldn’t it have been nice to come to your own conclusion?)?
The second step is to make sure you are actually addressing the issue. We often times give short, generic answers, ‘Oh, everything will be fine’, ‘you don’t have to worry about that, sweetie’ etc. We don’t want our kiddos to have to worry about these things for the exact same reason we need to have these conversations; we don’t want them to be scared. The fact of the matter is, just because we tell them they are going to be ok, they may not talk about it, but it is still something that is in their brain, they are still thinking about it. Now they just don’t talk about it because (without intending to) you kind of minimized their feelings about whatever the topic is. Why are we afraid to have these serious, purposeful conversations? (I don’t have the answer, but if I had to guess its because the majority of us didn’t have them when we were children and we just don’t know how).
Next is quite possibly the easiest step, but also the one we mess up all too often. Just listen. Ask open-ended questions (hint, they can’t be answered with a one-word answer like yes or no), figure out what they are feeling and understanding. Then repeat what they are feeling (even if it makes no sense to you!) and help them identify the feelings they are having. Use statements like, ‘it sounds like you are angry, sad, worried, etc’, ‘I heard you say _____, tell me more about that’ or even just a simply ‘why do you think you feel that way?’. Listen and hear them. Be focused, give them 100% of your attention, this helps continue to create a safe space for them.
After you inquire about their feelings, share your truth. Share what you know is happening, or what you think about what they said. If they have any misinformation try to correct that information objectively, factually and as simply as possible. Give them the information they need to help them comprehend the situation, their feelings and correct the information they have taken in that just isn’t true (political ad’s anyone? Specific TV network opinions? What they heard on the bus from Johnny about what his parents said?).
Then explain your values and what you believe regarding the topic. It is ok to share your thoughts, it isn’t ok to only lead with your thoughts. Let’s face it, part of the reason our country is in such an uproar is because not enough people are willing to see the other side, to understand other views let alone respect them. Challenge your child’s thinking by showing them a different way to look at it AND still be loving if they decide they really feel strongly the other way. Reassure them it is ok to have different views. That at the end of the day you want them to be kind, respectful, inclusive allies to everyone around them.
Now a lot of people are probably thinking, what if I don’t even know what to say?! It is ok to not have an answer or response to your kiddo right then and there. It is ok to hear what they have to say and not exactly have a response or even just want to take time to truly think about it before having the conversation. Be honest with them about why you aren’t ready to talk about it, if you don’t have the right words, tell them why (‘Nobody ever talked to me about this at your age’ or a simple ‘I don’t know what words to use right now’), reassure them that you value their feelings and that their thoughts are important and the topic is important. Then give them a time frame you will follow up with them about it (let’s talk about it after school today, let me touch base with (insert person that can help you find the right ‘words’), most importantly, make sure you follow up with them after you think about it or do whatever you need to do to make sure you have the right words.
Lastly, share ways that your child, you, your family or anyone is working to fix the issue or can work to fix the issue. For example, with COVID, explaining that people are working very hard to create a medicine to help prevent the illness, that they are so close and it will help save a lot of lives, etc. With racism, explain that we can be allies and support our neighbors and friends regardless of their race. Of course, always circle back and touch base on how they are feeling and if you can help. This continues to create a safe space for your child to remain confident in their abilities to share their thoughts, opinions, emotions, etc. with you.
See, easy peasy! (ha!) Just kidding, but you know what, nobody ever said parenting was easy. It is time that we as parents take the opportunity to change the way our children talk about, share, process and even respect topics that our parents (and even more so our grandparents!) just didn’t talk about. The world is hard right now. Sometimes I don’t even feel safe, how am I supposed to help my child feel safe in a world that I don’t feel safe in? These are the questions I ask myself as a mom and the truth is we just need to have the honest conversations. Who knows maybe your kiddo will help change your views, or open your eyes to another side of something?
Whew! That was heavy. Digest and please share your thoughts! We love to hear from you guys! How have you handled difficult conversations with your littles? What are you proud of within those conversations? What do you think you could have maybe done differently? You can feel free to direct message us on Instagram or Facebook (@momminlivinworkin).
Until Next Time- Cheers!
-Sierra Zaban
The Learning Experience Gurnee
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